July 26 and July 27th are two unforgettable dates for me and the fact that they are back to back allows for more time to dwell on the Lord and his purposes. July 26th was the birthday of my older brother, Rany. He was killed in a car accident when I was 6. My uncle Samuel, who was my dad's brother, was also killed in the same accident. I remember the nights and the days after that day pretty vividly. It was a day that changed my family forever. July 27th, was the due date for our glory baby. An ultrasound of a lifeless baby and the feeling of leaving the hospital without our baby wrenched my heart for many months to follow.
Grieving has been a part of my life for a long time. The effects of losing a child can lead to a life filled with doubts, fear, anxiety and depression. These thoughts and emotions have been part of my experiences for as long as I can remember as I watched my parents grieve and experienced it for myself. Right now I don't feel a need to encompass all the details surrounding those events. I want to blog on the God who orchestrated those events, purposing them for my good. I blog our family life for my children. All my posts are trying to keep up with all the things they are learning to do and all the fun we are having. I want to make an effort to blog more about the God we are trusting and the God we love to serve. I love the lyrics to one of my favorite songs which we sang on our wedding day, and this is what I've been learning since...
"The Lord has promised good to me
HIS WORD MY HOPE SECURES
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures"
There were and are still many nights I battle truth. Truth that promise that the Lord is at hand, that he will not let me be tempted beyond my ability, that his grace is sufficient, that suffering produces endurance, and that my "momentary afflictions are preparing me for and eternal weight of glory." This is what keeps me going.
"Looking unto Jesus" heb 12:2
It is ever the Holy Spirit's work to turn our eyes away from self to Jesus; but Satan's work is just the opposite of this, for he is constantly trying to make us regard ourselves instead of Christ. He insinuates, "Your sins are too great for pardon; you have no faith; you do not repent enough; you will never be able to continue to the end; you have not the joy of His children; you have such a wavering hold of Jesus." All these are thoughts about self, and we shall never find comfort or assurance by looking within. But the Holy Spirit turns our eyes entirely away from self: He tells us that we are nothing, but that "Christ is all in all." Remember, therefore, it is not thy hold of Christ that saves thee--it is Christ; it is not thy joy in Christ that saves thee--it is Christ; it is not even faith in Christ, though that be the instrument--it is Christ's blood and merits; therefore, look not so much to thy hand with which thou art grasping Christ, as to Christ; look not to thy hope, but to Jesus, the source of thy hope; look not to thy faith, but to Jesus, the author and finisher of thy faith. We shall never find happiness by looking at our prayers, our doings, or our feelings; it is what Jesus is, not what we are, that gives rest to the soul. If we would at once overcome Satan and have peace with God, it must be by "looking unto Jesus." Keep thine eye simply on Him; let His death, His sufferings, His merits, His glories, His intercession, be fresh upon thy mind; when thou wakest in the morning look to Him; when thou liest down at night look to Him. Oh! let not thy hopes or fears come between thee and Jesus; follow hard after Him, and He will never fail thee.
"My hope is built on nothing less,
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness:
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness:
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus' name."
